The Curse of the Mary Sue
by Slow Walker
Summary: In which a Mary Sue runs loose, Uhura releases her inner BAMF, and Chekov lusts after Sulu. Just another day on the Enterprise. Major Crack!fic, not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL! Rated for language.


Based on this SUPERLONG prompt from Livejournal:

you know how in MS fics, Sue is a god at everything, more beautiful than Aphrodite, the center of everyones world, the sassy-est, most arrogant girl around, whos constantly throwing one line quip and all the guys just fall at her feet, while the girls are in awe/jealous/meek or scared of her and are bumped out of the way/group so Sue can take her spot????

Well lets bring that to the enterprise except Uhura ain't having it

BAMF ALERT!!

Sue comes aboard the ship, instantly, Kirk & Scotty & Sulu are all over her, she puts down the ships mechanics and the crew... Kirk and Scotty are strangely quite, Sue show off her amazing Language skills and knowledge of Vulcan history, Spock is attracted, Sue says she'll be more of a communications Officer then the inadequate person they already have...Spock....Agrees? Sue goes to the medical lab (uninvited) sees a pic of Joanna, makes a rude remark about Bones having a child at his age and...he lets it go? Sue remarks the Russia is a third world country with third world people and Chekov...Laughs?

Cue Uhura (she could have been sleep late, on shore leave, whatever) sees this new chick bossing around the red shirts, screaming at Christine, kicking Keenser...Sitting at her station, and touching Spocks hands??????  
of course being the BAMF that she is, Uhura ain't gonna let some new chick come and mess with her family so...

Cue the cat fight, bonus for Spock getting turned on at watching Uhura defending the starship family's honor and sexy times a happening

* * *

One day, on board the USS Enterprise, something strange happened. Something stranger than usual. Everything was business as usual on the Bridge, when the doors from the turbolift slid open to show a strange looking girl. Captain Kirk the Awesomest turned his chair around to catch a glimpse of the beautiful girl. As soon as he saw her, he realized he had fallen in love with this mysterious girl. She had black hair with red streaks running through it, held up in a ponytail. She had piercing green eyes, the greenest anyone had ever seen. Her skin was porcelain pale and she wore her red uniform with as many accessories as possible. She had two spiked leather belts just hanging around her waist and more metal chains as necklaces. Her ears had what looked like nails through them, and she had a little silver half ring through her perfectly arched eyebrow. She wore black lipstick and heavy eyeliner. Her goth/emo look was completed by her black uniform boots, which were not exactly uniform. She had traded them in for black platform chain boots, with lots of shiny silver buckles and thin chains hanging all over them.

Captain Kirk the Awesomest gasped loudly as he came just from looking at her. Spock looked over at his Captain, rushing over to his not-so-secret lover to ascertain the probable cause for his tra-la-la's (t'hy'la's) unexpected orgasm. After finding nothing out of the ordinary in the immediate vicinity to Jim, Spock then looked around the room. Once his eyes met the strange girl's piercing green orbs, he immediately forgot Jim and his boneless state.

"And who might you be?" Spock purred, striding forwards to take both the girls hands in his own. She smiled prettily and fluttered her lashes at him. By then the entire Bridge Crew was turned around to watch the display of emotion Mr. Spock was showing the beautiful girl. Sulu gaped at them, a thin line of drool slipping from between his widely parted lips. Chekov, oblivious to everything not related to Sulu watched the Asian pilot watch the girl. Scotty, who happened to be in the room at the time sniffed at everyone's fawning over her as he turned to lovingly stroke a panel of the Enterprise.

"I am Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire," the girl said in a voice like a thousand angels. She turned and looked at the crew, a self-satisfied smirk gracing her lips as she surveyed the varying levels of rapture they regarded her with. She scowled slightly when she saw the adorable Chekov not paying attention to her. She walked over to him and sat in his lap. A startled Chekov jerked back, shocked at her sudden appearance. "Hello," she purred, running her black polished fingers down Chekov's face.

"He-hello," he stuttered out. "Hawe you met zee Keptain?" She laughed, the tinkling laugh of silver bells.

"The Captain isn't important. And he isn't nearly as gorgeous as you," she smiled, shifting to straddle Chekov. He cleared his throat uncomfortably at the attention he was receiving from Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire and the whole Bridge had stopped working to watch them.

"You know, I am, how you say, riding zee ozer bus?" The smile fell instantly from Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire's face and she climbed out of his lap in a hurry to return to Mr. Spock. Chekov fell immediately back into the rut of watching Sulu longingly with unabashed adoration and hero-worship.

"What are all your names? I need to get to know you if I am to be your new Communications Officer." No one commented on this as Lieutenant Uhura was taking a personal day. The Ensign at Uhura's post turned and smiled lovingly at Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire.

"I am sure you will be able to do a much better job than Uhura," the Ensign said, flipping her long brown hair over her shoulder and adjusting her shirt so it showed about twice as much cleavage. Spock wrapped an arm around Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire's shoulder and took both her hands again, guiding her to the Communications Officer's post, sitting her down in the newly vacated seat.

"Yes, I must agree with Ensign Lambert's logic. You will make a fine addition to the Beta shift." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire smiled and said something in a language no one but Spock understood. He flushed deep green and reached out to steady himself on her chair. "I am Spock, and on the floor is Captain Kirk the Awesomest. The Asian is Lieutenant Sulu, the Russian lusting after him is Ensign Chekov, the Scot now molesting the ship is Scotty," he introduced everyone. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire stood and kissed Spock on the cheek.

"Thank you for being so kind, Spick. It's been most helpful. I must go explore the ship now," she said, scuffing the panels with her heavy boots as she walked along.

"Now wait jus' a bloody minute!" Scotty yelped, rushing to survey the damage.

"Shut up, Scabby!" Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire snapped at him as the turbolift doors closed. Everyone in the room started talking at the same time, comparing the beauty of Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire to Aphrodite and Athena and Hera and Helen, all the most beautiful women in history. Spock was comparing her to Tan'gick, the Vulcan equivalent of Helen, who's face launched a thousand Vulcan males into Pon Farr at the exact same time.

* * *

Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire sauntered through the doors to the Sickbay, stopping Doctor McCoy in his tracks. Before he had time to protest, he had looked into her piercing green eyes and fallen under her spell of beauty. She looked around curiously, seeing a privacy curtain pulled around a bed, but no other patients in a medbed. Glancing around more, she noticed a picture of a small girl with pretty brown hair and hazel-green eyes.

"Who is that?" Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire asked McCoy, pointing at the picture. McCoy grinned nervously, not sure exactly how he should address this goddess of a girl. She tucked a strand of black and red hair behind her ear as she waited for his answer.

"That's my daughter, Joanna. She's a bit older than that now. She's ten now. She was seven in that picture." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire looked at McCoy, then back at the picture. When she turned to him again, her pierced black eyebrow was raised condescendingly.

"So you were what, twenty when you had her?" McCoy nodded.

"Close. I was twenty two." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire pursed her lips thoughtfully.

"Isn't that a bit irresponsible?" The good doctor blushed and grinned, nodding.

"Oh, yes ma'am. We were still pretty much horny teenagers. Pretty irresponsible." She nodded slowly, thinking it over.

"And what was your name again?"

"McCoy, Doctor Leonard McCoy. Bones, to Jim. You can call me Bones too, if you want." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire smiled tightly, black lipstick shining.

"I'd rather not. Is there anyone else very interesting to screw with on this hunk of junk?"

"Well, there's Scotty-"

"Yeah yeah, I already met Scabby, and Solo and Jerkoff and Spik and Captain Kink. Anyone else?"

"Well, there's Cupcake, who's unstable due to his fear of his raging homosexuality," McCoy suggested, doing his best to please the beautiful girl. "Keenser is pretty funny looking, and Nurse Chapel can be a bit of a bitch sometimes. Lieutenant Uhura should be back on duty tomorrow." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire smiled viciously.

"Thank you so much, Doctor Mickey." Bones smiled, happy she vaguely remembered his name.

"Any time, Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. And may I say, what a lovely name you have?" Before he could finish forming his question, she was out the door, prowling the ship to find this Keenser character Doctor Mickey referred to.

* * *

The first person she passed was wearing a red uniform similar to her own, but the skirt was adjusted to be longer and the shirt covered more of her small bust. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuiresneered at having to converse with someone so obviously lower than her (they obviously measured rank by skirt length. If it was short enough, you were high enough on the totem pole that Captain Kink was fucking you in-between shifts).

"Do you know where I can find a 'Keenser'?" Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire asked the girl, noting her close cropped hair, almost like she was a man. The Ensign turned, and Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire was shocked to find herself face to face with a man in a woman's uniform. Not even a good tranny, as he had a rather conspicuous brown beard framing his mouth.

"I'm straight! I swear! I'm not a transvestite! I don't get off on wearing a skirt! I'm not a cupcake either!" the man yelped and ran off. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire shrugged at the strangeness of this crew and continued on her way around the ship. The next person was more helpful, but she had to take off her shirt to get directions. It took longer than it should have, since the man seemed content to stare at her voluptuous figure rather than tell her how to get to engineering. Finally she made it, and ran into that strange Scottish man again, again petting the ship.

"Wha' are th' likes o' _you_ doin' here?" he asked, Scottish accent thick and pronounced in his distress.

"Shut up, Scabby. Where is Keenser?"

"Thas the only name yo've managed t' get right," Scotty said, pointing to the short alien.

"That's because his name is already stupid and easy to remember," she said, clapping her hands excitedly at all the fun she could have putting down the stupid looking alien.

Two hours and many alien tears later, the Enterprise snuck out a tentacle and grabbed Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire around the ankle and promptly shoved her out the door. She pouted for a bit, then ran back to the Bridge.

"Spick, I _hate_ this ship! It shoved me out the door! It doesn't like me," she pouted, snuggling up to Spock's warm chest. Spock whispered soothing nothings in her ear as he led her off the Bridge and into his quarters that he shared with Jim. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire gasped when she saw the shared room.

"How could you, Spick? You live with someone else and you're, you, me, I thought we had something!" she screamed, storming out of the room. Spock ran out the door too, calling after her as she ran down the hall, metal bracelets, necklaces, boots and belts clanging loudly.

"No, Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire! It's wasn't serious!" Before she could cry herself to death, Sulu found her crying in a rec room. She poured her heart out to him, exaggerating all the terrible things that happened to her that day.

"You know, Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire, I don't know how anyone could be so mean to such a beautiful girl." He tenderly wiped a tear away from her perfect white cheek.

"Oh, Solo. You've been so nice to me. What could I do to repay you?"

"It is the duty of a gentleman to help a damsel in distress! Please, come. You can have my bed tonight. I will sleep on the floor." They happily went back to Sulu's quarters and didn't have mad hot sex, but they did sit up and make out for most of the night, after which Sulu had to stay in the bathroom a REALLY long time, jacking himself off over and over. After five orgasms in a row, he was finally able to fall asleep, sitting there on the toilet. No one heard Chekov's sobs as he made small cuts all over his body in anguish over his one-sided love for the gorgeous Asian pilot/fencer/botanist/all around bad ass.

* * *

Uhura had been locked away in her room the entire day, totally blissfully oblivious to the happenings outside her room. She had been sleeping all day, trying to catch up to her general lack of sleep. She rose and dressed early that day, going to the mess to eat breakfast before the Beta shift started. She received a few snickers that she could not understand, so she ignored them in favor of reading a novel in Swahili that she had been working on for the past eight days. She finished her breakfast relatively quickly and enjoyed the walk to the Bridge, though it seemed to be plagued with snickers from various crewmembers, not all of them of a higher rank than her. She was thoroughly uneasy by the time she reached her station on the Bridge. After fifteen minutes of working, reading her book and just sitting there, the turbolift doors opened with a woosh. A shrill shriek was heard from the entrance. Everyone gasped and rushed over to comfort the strange girl who stood in the doors. Uhura looked over her, noticing her skirt was shorter than regulation and she was wearing a lot of spiky jewelry and belts and clunky metal-y boots. Her black and red streaked hair was down, falling in her face in a cascade of shiny hair. The girl's unnaturally green eyes were brimming with tears, threatening to spill and ruin her eyeliner and mascara on her perfectly pale cheeks. All the male members of the crew sans Chekov were huddled around her, comforting her and kissing her head softly, petting her hair soothingly, trying to keep this- this vision of a girl from crying. Uhura looked around in confusion at the looks of disgust being thrown at her. Suddenly Spock was standing by her side.

"Spock! Who is that girl, and why is everyone so taken with her?" Uhura could see that the girl was pretty, but not _that_ pretty.

"That is Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. She is the Communications Officer. You are going to be left at the next planet we stop at. You are no longer needed, as Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire is better at the art of Vulcan Seduction than you or Jim, who I thought was my tra-la-la." Uhura looked at him in shock.

"Yes, that's all well and good, but I just have a question for her." Uhura turned to the girl who was now standing on her own, without all the male attention a few inches from her. Now they were just a few feet away from her, the Captain holding her hand. Spock walked over to her and took her other hand, rubbing his fingers lightly over hers. Uhura's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets at that gesture. It had taken _months_ for her to get Spock to do that to her hands. And this- this TRAMP just walks in and gets that kind of treatment? Oh no she didn't!

"Who the fuck are you?" Uhura asked, walking closer, her hands on her tilted hips. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire stepped up too, hands on her own tilted hips. The girls mirrored each other, facing off. Some random guy in a red shirt stood to one side of the girls and threw a few pages of paper (where he had gotten them no one knew) so that they rolled between them. Another red shirt started humming an old western tune called "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly". Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire spoke first.

"My name is Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire, and might I ask who the fuck you are and why the fuck are you sitting in my chair?" Uhura brought a hand up to her chest, raising her eyebrows.

"YOUR chair? That's my chair. I am the Communications Officer, not some tramp in a too short shirt with too much metal." Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire did a Z snap, swinging her fingers dangerously close to Uhura's face. To her credit, Uhura didn't move an inch. She had grown up in the streets, it would take a bit more than a finger snap too close to her nose to get her to flinch.

"Oh no you di'int!" Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire said in a very clichéd "street" voice.

"Bitch please, that Z snap was out in the 21st century, grandma." Then Uhura proceeded to do a very complicated intricate Z snap, leaving Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire's black lined eyes wide with shock. Before Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire could stop her, Uhura had reached forwards and plucked out her green contacts, returning her eyes to a regular dull green, instantly breaking the hold Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire had over the crew. "And that's how we do it on da U.S.S. Enterprise!" Uhura sneered, her voice reverting back to how it was when she was growing up, i.e. "street".

Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire huffed in annoyance and looked back to the men for reassurance that they were still under her spell of charm. To her shock and horror, Spock was almost smiling, arms crossed. Kirk was blatantly checking out Uhura, though it was harder than checking out Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire because she was kind of a slut. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire stomped her heavy black boot on the floor hard, throwing her arms down and letting out a squeal-growl that girls do so often when they're upset. Sulu almost fell forwards on top of her in his haste to return to his station. When he arrived he saw an empty seat where Chekov usually sat.

"No! Chekov, my lover! Where is he?" Sulu cried in anguish and promptly rushed off the Bridge to find his sexy underage Russian lover. Captain Kirk the Awesomest didn't actually leave, he just walked over and threw his arm over an uncomfortable Spock's shoulders. Spock stood stiffly, but allowed his Captain to come into physical with him because they were not-so-secretly tra-la-las. All the Ensigns and Lieutenants that there seemed to be no end of stopped crowding Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire, much to her dismay.

"Guys, where are you going?" she whined petulantly. "What's wrong? Come back! I'm beautiful!" Captain Kirk the Awesomest walked over to his chair and pressed the comm. button.

"Security, send a team to the bridge to apprehend Miss Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. She will then be taken the transporter room and beamed into space, right in front of the viewing screen so that we can all see it and record in and have a good laugh at the expense of an alien."

"Aye sir."

"Captain, I do not think it would be wise to anger this particular alien."

"And why not, Mr. Spock?"

"Well Sir, if my hypothesis is correct, she could, in fact, be a Mary Sue." All talk ceased as everyone on the Bridge turned to look at Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. Captain Kirk the Awesomest nodded thoughtfully.

"Yes, Mr. Spock, you seem to be right. All the signs point to it. The perfect skin, the streaked black hair, the totally steryotypical description. Why, this entire thing has been way overly dramatisized, using lots of different words to explain things, much like that book series, the Sparkly Vampire Saga that has continued well into the 23rd century. It is as if we have been raping a dictionary this whole time," Captain Kirk the Awesomest said, finally piecing the evidence together. "What do you suggest we do, Mr. Spock? What is the logical way to get rid of a Mary Sue?"

"Well Captain, the best remedy is to pair her with a Gary Drew, and hope they fall madly in love so as the facilitate the extermination. Mary Sue's are considered dangerous and a threat to the Federation. We must rid ourselves of her before she infects the crew."

"That sounds good, Mr. Spock, but we don't have a Gary Drew."

"No matter, Captain. One of the security guards has the statistical probability of 97.573 percent of being perfect Gary Drew material. All we do is tell Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire that he is one, and the transformation will happen itself."

"That is a perfect solution, Mr. Spock!" Captain Kirk the Awesomest replied, just as the turbolift doors opened and two beefy security guards in red shirts entered. Spock turned to Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire**, **who for some reason, hadn't been listening to their conversation.

"Do you see that security guard, the one with black hair and striking green eyes and tan skin and is sure to have perfect washboard abs under his shirt?" Spock asked. Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire nodded, drooling slightly. "I believe he is a Gary Drew," Spock said casually, watching in sadistic fascination as the crazed goth girl jumped the poor security guard, ripping off his shirt and kissing him frantically. "Quick, we must get them to the transporter room!" Spock exclaimed, pushing them into the turbolift. Captain Kirk the Awesomest buzzed Scotty, instructing him to have the transporter ready to beam them into space.

"Aye, Sir," Scotty responded a little too enthusiastically.

"And Scotty, keep them on the transporter pad, but don't beam them out until I tell you to, I want Mr. Spock to see this. Tell him to hurry back to the Bridge once he had delivered the Mary Sue and Gary Drew."

"Aye Cap'n." Soon after that, Spock was rushing back into the room, resting his hand on the back of Captain Kirk the Awesomest's chair. Jim reached back and threaded their fingers together as they watched the viewing screen. Two naked human forms appeared after a moment, locked in a passionate embrace. Soon they stilled and floated off into the Great Vacuum of Space.

* * *

And that is the tale of the invasion of the Mary Sue, called Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. Thanks to the quick thinking of Mr. Spock and the hatred of Scotty, she was dealt with accordingly, no longer a threat to the crew of the Enterprise. Uhura got her job back and everyone apologized a lot to her. Sulu finally realized his undying love for Chekov and they have mad hot sex every night now. The Enterprise and Scotty are going steady and Keenser is getting psychotherapy to deal with the issues caused by Anna-Sophia Clarice Sapphire McGuire. Jim completely committed to Spock, so now they are official tra-la-la's, and they are both very happy.

* * *

This is the first crack!fic I've written, so tell me if I failed horribly. And I know I veered off the promt a little, and I veered from a Uhura/Spock pairing to a Jim/Spock pairing, but I kind of had to, because I really don't ship Uhura/Spock. Sorry if that offends you.


End file.
